Emerging from the Cocoon: Sisters, Real and Imagined

I arrived two years ago for my first A Room of Her Own Foundation retreat in O’Keeffe’s desert without notes for the class I was responsible for teaching on blogging and a suitcase full of wedding clothes and heels due to a series of travel glitches; Why Every Wife Could Use Her Own Hmong Tribe (and a Thundershirt) chronicles that chapter of finger-pointing strain my marriage survived. When I snapped a photo of the silver mirror in my room at Ghost Ranch, I saw in it a variation of the Yin Yang necklace my husband gave me as we parted ways that day, his attempt at reconciliation.

How lovely, then, two years later, this year, still in the habit of chronic omen surfing, to find the image in my mirror to be one of an open door. How different to arrive with the suitcase I’d packed for the occasion. With all of my blogging and mask-making teaching materials. To know the venue. To trust the women of AROHO like family, to have a sturdy circle of amazing friends I'd kept in tight email, phone, and face-to-face orbit. To be coming “home” to my second home of red cliffs and incandescent blue sky by day, Perseid meteors by night. To have a roommate, a friend I’d come to love so deeply at the last retreat, a writing sister I can’t imagine having not known. Jockeying for toothpaste spitting space, up late in a fit of infectious giggling, helping one another winnow down our reading selections to the allotted three and five minute windows, goading one another to take ridiculously harrowing risks that paid off for us both internally and externally.

By day, the sobering beauty of each day’s Mind Stretches and presentations (AROHO’s retreat daily schedules offer so much), which provided the structure for heart and mind to align. A daily practice of sacred collaboration. Which I experienced both internally and externally. It meant hands on panels like Beyond the B*tch Session: A Candid Conversation About Writing and Motherhood…where the conversation strolled right past the usual complaints about how hard it is to get to one’s work…just the title, “beyond the b*tch session” poised presenters and listeners attending the panel to move out of dichotomy and into success narratives: this is how I mother and this is how I write (see below for a list of links to blog posts by panelists).

It meant stepping out of my comfort zone to attend a workshop taught by Nicole Galland and Nicelle Davis, Reading in Your Authentic Voice, knowing that I’ve battled shyness most of my life, knowing that I’d be reading poetry aloud at some point for the group, knowing that as a professional writer one has to keep working on shortcomings. I dawdled over breakfast, had a second cup of tea, but still made it there in time for a shape-shifting exercise: to choose an animal to inhabit...that best might represent my work. Locked in shyness, I chose a far corner of the room and opted to be a cocoon, in honor of one of my groups of poems (November Butterfly). I flattened myself guiltily on the cold floor of the Agape Center eye level with the feet of the rows and rows of wooden benches parked there.

 

Though successfully frozen and inanimate in my cocoon, I couldn't help but notice other braver animals roaming the room, becoming more fully themselves: a horse, stomping and snorting as she ran along the bench surfaces, an elephant trumpeting her trunk as she loped past.  I lay there feeling sluggish and inexpressive and slightly selfish holding still on the floor. But eventually, once the cold thoroughly permeated both shoulder blades and the portion of my spine touching the floor, I had the urge to rise to sitting, and in slow symmetry, raise both arms to the sky.

 

What pleasure to take one's time--to move slow, to anticipate the sun, to move wings up, then down. I forgot to notice the others and how much better they were at the exercise. My feet felt just right, mute, tandem, but providing a solid base for the wings to venture.

 

Flying home that Sunday, thinking back on the myriad conversations, I felt struck equally by the layers of inspiration we goad one another towards as well as a bit taken aback by the layers of doubt and insecurity I heard come out of the mouths of many of my fellow retreat goers (my voice in the mix). But then even that made sense: it seems when we converge in the desert and dare to align with our biggest visions for our writing lives, both dreams and opposing shadow appear. Both find voice, find ear here. 

 

And I wouldn't be where I am today in my own writing process without the loving mirror provided by the women at the retreats. In my experience, we end up shoulder to shoulder with our strengths and our vulnerabilities. Thus poised at the right place and time to help one another face the negations as they arise. Thank you AROHO.

 

Further reading and other fertile negotiations that arose from the retreat:

 

I was thrilled to solicit work for Mother Writer Mentor on behalf of writing mothers otherwise unable to get away to a writing retreat. These guest blog posts are from AROHO's amazing panel, Beyond the B*tch Session: A Candid Conversation about Motherhood and Writing:

Barbara Rockman: Mother Writer: Boon of the Parallel Journey, Mandy Alyss Brown, AROHO’s Tille Olsen fellow: Creator: Rejecting theMotherhood vs. Writing Dichotomy, Nicelle Davis: No Love is Singular: Confessions of a Poet Daughter

 

On the bus ride to AROHO, instead of sitting next to the illustrious Marlene Samuels (read the story of how we met at the first retreat, bonding mutually over a love for her mother's memoir), I sat behind her and my poet friend Lisa Rizzo (read here Lisa's beautiful poems we published at The Fertile Source, solicited many years prior to our synchronous "re-meeting"), I had the privilege of scanning Samuels forthcoming When Digitial Isn't Real: Fact Finding Offline for Serious Writers.

As a poet I can tend to favor the imagination over historical fact. Exposure to Marlene's book gave me pause when selecting poems to read at the retreat--I realized one poem mentioned "Cleopatra's sister"...a line I'd sort of tossed in to my poem without ever checking to see if Cleopatra in fact had a sister. I still read the line, held my breath and waited for Marlene to correct me, but as luck would have it, Cleopatra did have a sister in her life--at least a half sister. Here's my review of Marlene's book on Amazon.  

 

I am also thrilled to announce that my first poetry collection, November Butterfly, will be forthcoming from Saddle Road Press in 2014. I will be reading at AWP in Seattle and rubbing shoulders again with many AROHOites there. A tremendous joy and gift. I hope to see you there--to share and compare notes.

 Photos and Artwork:

are by the author (moi) with exception of the feathered wings. The image was taken by Robyn Beattie and appears in our photo montage for Amelia (poem forthcoming in November Butterfly). View the photo poem montage here (video and text of poem originally published at V's Place by E. Victoria Flynn).

 

 

 

 

 

Announcing Website Launch, Upcoming Classes and Blogging Book Project

In the kingdom of hope there is no winter--Russian proverb

This winter I spent a good deal of time working behind the scenes on preparing a new website, the latest in a series of steps along the way to developing my life as a professional writer. With my youngest child finally in school, I spent this last year devoting time to editing, interviewing, cross-posting and promoting the work of other writers, all valuable and worthy work I intend to continue. But with our family at a financial cross-roads, perched on the cusp of choosing one city to live in so we can potentially forgo the two city insanity, it is time for me to fund that writing life.

Additionally, I began to feel Feral Mom, Feral Writer’s usual focus (on the changes of heart and hearth as I write and raise children) became diluted with posting announcements for classes and forthcoming published writing. So I’m attempting to allow Feral Mom her due and let my other site be the new hub for published work, classes I’ll be teaching, and a new blog I’ll be starting in August about the transformative blogging book I am in the process of writing for women bloggers.

Teaching a subject, of course, always pushes one to grow; teaching Transformative Blogging continues to be rich. In the networking world, I’ve come across the work of writer and blogger Nick Thacker (thanks to research expert and blogger Marlene Samuels). I bought Thacker's book and am working my way through it (actually answering his questions, putting in the footwork to look around the net), as he provides very tangible ways for understanding the business side of blogging (something I am definitely not savvy about) as well as how to grow one’s roots and connect to others. Here’s a link to his blog: Nick Thacker and a link to his book on Amazon ($4.99 on Kindle, and you'll see I wrote him a review) Building a Blog for Readers: 101 Questions to Ask Before you Launch your Blogging Empire.

While Thacker and I share some similarities in terms of questions and the inventory approach to the blogging process, I find the worksheets I'm using and developing for women cover what I'd loosely define as emotional and spiritual aspects of the blogging process. But I wanted to spend the next year inviting women bloggers to work with me so that what I offer extends past my own potentially myopic view of what we face as women bloggers. I invite you to come along with me--I will be blogging at my new site (www.taniapryputniewicz.com) and offering sample worksheets to subscribers starting in August.

But until then, I have worked to make the site visually appealing, so I hope you'll visit. You’ll find links to the projects I’m enjoying, including the collaborative photo poem montages. Robyn Beattie and I just completed our fourth montage, “Nefertiti Among Us,” a companion montage to “Nefertiti on the Astral.” We are also very excited to have submitted our montages to a gallery—a goal we have long had in the back of our minds. I’ll be sure to let you know when we do finally find ourselves with a gallery opportunity.

I’m so grateful to be a writer, today, now, given the many ways we have of connecting (as a writing mother, I’m thrilled we have the venue of online teaching). I get so much pleasure out of coming up with on-line classes, and then having the chance to work with my students. You know the saying, that the map is not the terrain--I start with the course map, and we veer where we need to go given who arrives to take the class. I’m excited about the scope of the International poetry workshop, as well as the new class for couples recovering from parenting (class structure will include the usual sharing of poems in progress, but the secret assignment: writing a poem we won’t share, to be mailed to the better half by Valentine’s Day).

Over at Mother Writer Mentor, here’s the forthcoming class list:

Around The World in 30 Days: Reading and Writing the International Poetry of Motherhood and Fatherhood: September 10-October 5th, 2012

Transformative Blogging for Writing Mothers: November 1-November 30th 2012

Send Me a Letter: Love Poetry for Couples Recovering from Parenting: Jan 8th to February 1, 2013

Excavating and Writing the Poetry of Motherhood: April 1-April 26th 2013

Excavating and Writing the Poetry of Fatherhood: May 6-May 31st 2013

For a blog post about the support I’ve received from other women writers and a link to an interview with writer Julianna Baggot: Mother Writer Mentor Blog post by T

Or to go directly to full course descriptions or to sign up: Mother Writer Mentor Workshops.

Look forward to our writing lives crossing. As always, we are ever on the lookout for guest posts written by writing mothers about any aspect of that dual role.

Counterpoint to Tips for Mothers Considering Pursuing an Online Degree by Marlene Samuels, PhD

Marlene Samuels, PhD

After hosting a guest post by Brittany Lyons earlier this month titled, "Tips for Mothers Considering Pursuing an Online Degree", I put out a call to mothers with PhDs. I'm thrilled to have this counterpoint, by Marlene Samuels, PhD, in which she takes up some of her concerns about the nuts and bolts viability of an online PhD experience. Marlene earned her PhD "in person" and brings valuable expertise to our discussion. I am still shopping for mothers with online PhDs...feel free to contact me for a guest posting opportunity. In the meantime, enjoy Marlene's insights.

Recently a post published on this blog addressed the feasibility of earning an on-line Ph.D. degree as an approach well suited to busy mothers. After thinking about it for long time, and being really bothered by it, I realized it was critical for me to post a “rebuttal” if that’s the correct term.  If not, then I think the key term is “reality check.”

After considering each “tip” posted very carefully, I still had a lot of trouble believing they weren’t pulled from the pages of a science fiction tale.  In the name of credibility, I have to mention that I’m well qualified as a commentator on this topic. I, myself, am a PhD holding busy mom.  

I earned my PhD in research sociology from University of Chicago, in real-life time at a real-life “bricks and mortar” kind of place, the old fashioned way while I was a super “busy mom with young kids” whose husband worked insane hours. In addition to managing the daily grind, I was also more fortunate than are most women in my situation because obtaining critical extra household help and child care wasn’t an economic issue.   My two sons were fairly well behaved, too but even though they weren’t babies, they still needed a good dose of adult supervision. So, I guess I can say my situation was (and should have been) ideal, right?  Wrong and here’s why:

Issue I:

“If you are considering pursuing a doctorate degree, an online PhD program can be an excellent choice. There are many advantages and disadvantages of online degrees, but for a busy mother, earning your degree online can give you the flexibility you need to balance both family and academic goals.”—(this and all subsequent quotes are from the blogpost by Brittany Lyons  titled: “Tips for Mothers Considering Pursuing an Online PhD”)

The idea of pursuing an online Ph.D. reminds me of the days when matchbook covers sported ads for earning diplomas or licenses by mail. Likely, this is too long ago for most blog readers to remember? One of my favorites: “Earn your semi-truck driver’s license by mail and earn more money”, or how about “become a graphic artist in your spare time.”

It’s not that I’m anti-technology or opposed to online learning - oh contraire! At this time I’m in the 2^nd week of a 4-week “online course” for which I signed up and paid. I’m really learning an incredible amount but that noted, even though it’s only a 4-week course, I’m already way behind!

No longer do I have little ones at home who suck up all my attention and brain power. No longer do I have to commute to and from an office - I work from home so I can’t complain. Even better: I have my very own, very state-of-the-art computer so I never worry about access.  You’d imagine all my time is all my own.  In a perfect world, I’d enjoy unlimited opportunities in which to complete online assignments, while writing thoughtful, witty and helpful comments to my online classmates, and ….

Honestly, don’t be naïve!  You may be able to stay in your pajamas and participate in class without thinking about your bad hair day but that’s where it ends. Even at this point in my life there are plenty of impositions on my time. My gigantic dog needs walking, feeding, brushing and attention. There’s laundry to do, errands to run, calls to return, doctors’ appointments make and keep, shopping, meals to prepare, family obligations, repairmen to interrupt my deeply creative thoughts, bills to pay and finances that demand increasing amounts of time to manage. Oh, did I mention social commitments as well? Then there’s reading – keeping on top of developments in my field.

The current era has us believing that almost anything we do “live” also can be accomplished satisfactorily online.  And now, earning a Ph.D. degree has joined the list. It might seem enticing to the woman who fantasizes about commanding increased respect with a Ph.D. but there’s a legitimate reason that pursuing a PhD in any field is referred to as the “long-haul degree.”

On-line participation may be possible during the early stages of degree requirements but a true Ph.D. (Doctor of Philosophy) demands significant original research, anywhere from 4-6 years of course work, incalculable hours in the library – researching and reading to prepare for writing, incalculable hours  of revisions, and lots of meetings with lots of professors.

I definitely do know about that too - I’ve done it! Sure, a great deal has changed in the decade since I was awarded my conventional Ph.D. the old fashioned way. One of the major technological advances is the ability to take online courses.  But here are some real life issues to ponder before buying into the program’s feasibility.  

Tough Questions and Honest Answers:

Women need to articulate all their unstated concerns way before they buy into the online possibility of all things. If they don’t, it will be impossible to obtain honest reliable answers. Busy mothers can barely find enough time to go to the bathroom alone.  I know about that too, remember that I’ve been one! Exactly how and where busy moms plan to find time and space (translation: uninterrupted privacy) alone with a computer on which to complete demanding assignments is a mystery.

It’s great to imagine our kids nodding off after an easy dinner and thus allowing the busy mom plenty of time in which to work on her degree. Reality:  by the time kids nod off, the last thing most “busy mothers” feel like doing is repairing to the computer for hours of assignments. By the time dinner has ended, clean up, bath time, homework finished, and all those other quotidian events, I’m guessing little real time remains in which to complete any work. Did I mention that I’m assuming busy moms enrolled in online Ph.D. programs enjoy relationships with supportive and undemanding spouses or their significant others?

We’d have to assume that “nodding off” children do their nodding off without fuss, sleep the night through, rarely take ill, never need homework help or supervision - nor will there occur any of the myriad unanticipated surprises that provide the busy mom’s daily challenges.  Do we never encounter last minute problems such as, “Oh mom, I forgot I need to bring 28 cupcakes to school tomorrow for Pippi Longstocking’s birthday party?”

Issue II:

“According to U.S. News and Reports, individuals with an advanced degree earn approximately $25,000 more per year than individuals with only an undergraduate degree. In the United States, doctorate-level degrees are either professionally oriented, such as a MD or DDS, or research oriented, such as doctorate of philosophy or education.”

At first blush, this sounds like a significant amount of additional income but realistically consider that $25000 is an average, not the norm. Looked at in the way most of us manage our finances, i.e., monthly, the difference after taxes may well be negligible.  My long haul degree incurred expenses – lots of them; tuition, university fees, texts, duplicating and printing expenses, and more. Simply because it’s on-line does NOT mean it’s free. 

U.S. News may claim that advanced degrees have higher earning potential but in academic parlance, any degree beyond a bachelor’s is regarded as “advanced.”  Then too, there’s confusion about two terms - advanced as opposed to professional. Many educational fields remain quite attainable with a master’s degree rendering the Ph.D. superfluous. Again, I’ll bring up the term “realistic.” Further, suggesting an on-line Ph.D. oversimplifies the reasons for which we might pursue one in the first place and entirely overlooks the motivation and commitment critical to completing one.

Issue III:

"One of the advantages of online PhD programs is that they are extremely flexible and often allow you to study around your own schedule. However, one of the major disadvantages of online programs is that they are still relatively new. As a result, many institutions are not yet accredited by governmental accreditation bodies. When talking to school administrators of a prospective program, ask them about their accreditation and if there are plans for accreditation in the future.”

Learning is a complex process but accreditation would not be my first concern when trying to decide about whether to pursue a Ph.D. Surely the idea of a program’s plans for future accreditation have little bearing upon actually attaining accreditation.

Tip #2 – Ask About Access to Professors and Instructors

Anyone who’s participated in graduate level course work would have to question how seriously a student might be taken if their primary concern is: “how much time will they have to interact with the professors and instructors.”  If the primary criteria are convenience and flexibility, on the basis of 2 courses per semester, I’d wonder how many years an online Ph.D. requires. Further, a few courses taken this way may seem fine but is anyone really prepared to spend 6, 8, or 10 years in this way? The average number of years required to complete coursework and other degree requirements such as comprehensive exams, dissertation proposals, defenses, research for the dissertation, committee meetings to say nothing of the actual writing, dissertation defense and final edits currently averages 8.

Tips #3 and #4 – Time Constraints, flexibility and having a “sit-down” with the family termed, “Ask Your Family for Support”

Time constraints and PhD work have never been anything close to pals but beyond that, anyone who’s has one will confirm: earning a PhD is definitely not for the faint of heart, the time constrained or the overly committed. It’s a giant bite of a shockingly large apple.

Even though I was able to buy extra help in the form of after school child minders, household cleaning, and grocery deliveries, spending all day most Saturdays and Sundays at the library required more co-operation from my family than is good for maintaining one’s mental health! Depending upon children and partners for additional help at home reads way too much like a recipe for frustration and disappointment. Rare is the women who has such understanding and compliant families.

“You can also help your kids understand when you are in “study mode” by helping them make a sign that you can hang on your door to let them know you are unavailable.”

Surely this point is a fantasy! Earning a graduate degree is taxing and consequently increases stress both upon families and the student mom.  There are inflexible deadlines to meet but also time needed to research projects, occasionally meeting (whether online or face- to- face)  with classmates concerning group projects. For the distant student, this often entails travel to meet with project members or arranging for video conferences all members can attend.

I’m sorry to say but expectations we have of our children should be suited to their abilities to understand concepts, in this case “study mode”.  We can hang as many signs as will possibly fit on our doors but that won’t alter the daily reality of life with children, especially young ones. “Unavailable” is comprehended by our young ones when we really are unavailable – as in away from home at the library, in a class and not visible to the eye.

Tip #5 – Considering computer accessibility, and another expectation for family support

Since computer access is critical to the on-line learning process, the idea of setting up a schedule for shared time under-mines the very foundation of the argument of convenience and flexibility. Once we set up a schedule and again, require family support and understanding in order to adhere to our goals, we may as well just throw up our hands and say, “gee, I’ll take a course or two while my kids are young but I’d better put off the hard job for a couple years so we don’t all loose our minds.”

Perhaps the idea of earning an online degree is a fantasy at this point in time?

Marlene Samuels is an independent research sociologist and writer. She earned her Ph.D. and M.A. degrees from University of Chicago in Social Science. In addition, Marlene teaches research methodology workshops to non-fiction writers. Currently she’s completing a short story collection entitled BROKEN CHAINS, MISSING LINKS and co-hosts www.expendableedibles.com/blog. Read more about Marlene on her writer’s blog, www.marlenesamuels.blogspot.com.

2013 update: Marlene has since written, When Digital Isn't Real: Fact Finding Offline for Serious Writers. The link will take you to my review of her book, which I found to be a great resource for writers, poets included. Marlene reminds us about an eclectic and fun group of print sources many of us have come to overlook in favor of the cursory Google or Wikipedia search. I also wrote a bit more about my experience with her book  at the end of this 2013 post, about the AROHO Summer Retreat,  Emerging from the Cocoon, Sisters Real and Imagined.